Four Minutes. That doesn’t seem like a very long time, does it? I won’t speak for everyone but me personally; I can carry out many things in under four minutes. For example, I can usually shit in under four minutes, unless I’m at work, then my shit will last close to fifteen minutes on principle alone (Nothing like getting paid to poop!). Making a sandwich in less than four minutes is easy, breezy, beautiful depending on how complex the toppings are (cutting tomatoes, onions etc.) I can also orgasm in less than four minutes (give or take), with or without a girl (very proud of this). Get the point?

What else can I do in less than four minutes? Hmmmmmmmmmm. I really can’t think of anything off the top of my hea… LEAVE A FUCKING VOICEMAIL! WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK PEOPLE!! The purpose of voicemail is to give someone a heads up that you called, not leave a voice-recorded autobiography.

I’ve recently had a couple issues regarding this topic and was wondering, is there anybody that can relate to this?  My mom used to leave fairly long messages then ask for a call back. When I would return her call she would just repeat everything she just left on my VM. After repeated threats never to talk to her again, she broke the habit. Just when I thought my voicemail life was in order I met a more sinister perpetrator.

My aunt, who is notorious for talking until my ears bleed has started leaving the longest VM’s imaginable. Just like her conversations her voicemails are never light-hearted or quick, so every single convo resembles an epic, three-hour drama. (I’ll never let go, Jack. I’ll never let go.) I’ve been forced to avoid her phone calls like Jehovah witnesses, because if she catches you, you just bought a one-way ticket to your fucked-in-the-ear island.

I made the mistake of answering once and got locked into an hour-long “conversation” about cats and peanuts. Please understand, these are not two-way conversations either, Aunt D’s definition of a heart-to-heart is to talk to herself while I add small conjoining phrases such as, “Uh ah”, “Really?” and “You don’t say?” This allows her to talk for extremely long periods without ever taking a breath. It’s AWESOME! This situation gives me severe message anxiety when she rings.

The other day my Auntie D’s name popped up on my caller ID and I literally threw my phone like it burst into flames. I was able to avoid the phone call but knew a voicemail would follow. Like clockwork twenty minutes later the alert “1 new voicemail” appeared on my iPhone. Scared but curious, I looked at the message to note its length. Four minutes. I closed the VM application as fast as possible, terrified it might automatically start to play. For days that little blue dot that indicates an unanswered voicemail sat there waiting, watching, haunting. Every time someone would leave a message it would be sitting there eyeballing me. When not in the VM application the home screen shows a red number “1”, properly indicating I have  ”1″ new message from the devil.

Yesterday, at lunch, I got up the courage to listen and it went something like this…

Hey sweetie its your Aunt D. How are you!? Good, I hope. The cats and I are doing fabulous. T is so cute! Yesterday she got into the Christmas decorations and ate some tinsel. Later that day she pooped it out and the tinsel looked like a leash, as she walked a pet turd around the house. SO CUTE! I saved the tinsel turd and made an ornament, it will now and forever be a symbol of T’s first Christmas! Do you know what you want for Christmas? I do. I’d actually like to speak to Santa if he’s there, can you get him for me? I’ll just wait for him. [long pause] Okay, HI SANTA! I would really like this pair of tights I saw on QVC. Are you ready for the model number? I know you have a pencil handy because your Santa Claus. Here goes- 8748-WTF! They are tights not nylons and I need a size LARGE. The colors I really like are dark heather grey, light grey, green, brown and fire engine red. My three tops are as follows –heather grey, green, and fire engine red. You know how much I JUST LOVE the color red.  Just like you Santa! Again, size large. Thank you Santa. I love you Santa because you are so good to everybody. Can you put my nephew back on? [long pause] Oh hey twin, I’m just calling to say hi again. I would like to have something for Christmas from you. The biggest thing I would love to have issssss SOMETHING MEANINGFUL! (Who asks for something meaningful?) Something like, I don’t know, anything, it can be a special color of nail polish, a pine cone you find on the side of the road, a package of colorful paper clips, confetti,or a card. Not so much a card, well one of those hallmark cards that just makes me break down. [She starts to choke up] I don’t know, whatever, a note or a poem. Anything, ANYTHING! Um, a piece of clothing from your childhood, a lock of hair, (starting to worry at this point) I don’t know, any lit-tle thing. A little statue. You know, like hallmark makes those little statues and little rabbits. Whatever. Did I say pine cone? Just something that’s meaningful. That’s all I want. I really don’t’ need anything. That’s it. That’s all I need. (No pressure) Okay well I have to go and have a threesome with my cats now but I can’t wait to see you on Christmas! It’s going to be the BEST CHRISTMAS EVER! [Whispering] the best ever. Your getting the most uncomfortable hugs ever! Oh one more thing, I went to see Cats on Broadway last week, it was magical. The whole time all I could think about was how I want to come back as a cat in my next life, or maybe just a litter box? I don’t know, something that has to do with cats. You better wear something nice so we can take advantage of this Christmas photo-op. I want a photo next to the tree, the mantel, the fireplace, the staircase, the lazy Susan, the refrigerator, the trashcan, the recyle bin, the cats, your brother…

Cats of Christmas Past

For fucks sake! Can you imagine what its like knowing you have to call this person back? It’s devastating! I wake up some nights in cold sweats.

Hopefully everyone has a crazy person in their family…I’ve clearly identified mine.