With all the natural disasters, the month-long periods of ran, and the 20 degree temperature shifts does anyone else think our national weather conditions are starting to feel like the movie “The Day After Tomorrow?”

I also would like to beat everyone to the finish line that will suddenly transform into CAPTION OBVIOUS METEOROLOGISTS using Facebook as their doppler-radar breaking news platform…

If you’re this obvious add something amusing or maybe use a funny analogy. What kind of status update is “It’s so hot out”? Oh that’s right, it’s not an update, stupid!

How many times a day do you send or receive an LOL? Once, twice, maybe three hundred? Whatever your number, this little acronym has become a vital tool in all forms of digital communication. Without it, we would be lost. How else would we decipher the difference between a serious statement or a witty one-liner (excluding those smily faces, shat directly from Ursula the Sea Bitch’s bunghole )? Everyone and their grandmother uses this little device when Facebooking, emailing or texting. This and cotton are now the fucking fabric of our lives. From the over LOL’er who uses it after every freaking sentence to the hesitant user like myself, who delays a text while debating if an LOL is necessary.

Rule of thumb for LOL usage:

1. If you’re talking with a girl and question an LOL, use it. Believe me, its WAY better to play it safe then having to explain your jokes.
2. If your taking with a guy, who gives a flying fuck.

Who the hell was the first person to use an LOL? Hmmmmmm I wonder. My guess is some scrunchied up teenybopper somewhere was watching an episode of 90210, discussing Brenda Walsh’s virginity with her friend in the next town via text. She probably wrote something like “OMG If I was dating Dylan McKay I would drop my panties faster than his movie “8 Seconds” was in the movie theatre” (appropriately named). Her friend who was undoubtedly “laughing out loud” and painting her nails some fluorescent pink color while thumbing through a seventeen magazine quickly responded with “LOL”. With that, a monster was born. I’d be willing to bet my ridiculous government salary that “LOL” was the evil spawn of “OMG.” Imagine if “OMG” had an evil kid, and that kid, took over the world by raping, burning and pillaging every word in its destructive path. That would be “LOL”. Thank you teenybopper, for single handily annihilating all intelligent conversation throughout the entire world.

Should she get residuals or something? She would be richer than Oprah in a matter of days.

As most of you already know “LOL” is not the only acronym in play. Now when your message gets received with a written laugh it implies that you just sent something funny, the degree of *how* funny is now measured by the following acronyms you receive back.

I give you, laugh acronym levels with my perception of the sender’s intent…

1. HA* Gosh, that was a funny comment you just made.

2. LOL (Laughing out Loud) I am laughing loudly at work and drawing unwanted attention to myself. Time really flies when you’re sending me messages, jokester!

3. BWL (Busting with laughter) I have a pain in my side from laughing so hard. You should honestly reconsider a career choice and maybe become a stand-up comedian. Tosh.O has nothing on you!

4. LMAO (Laughing my ass off) Your jokes are so contagiously entertaining I can’t stop laughing. If laugher is the best medicine, you just cured cancer amigo. If my ass could laugh, you can bet your sweet tits he would partake in this great fun!

5. ROFL (Rolling on the floor laughing) Is it possible to hurl someone through mid-air by overwhelming laughs caused by another? The answer is YES my friend! That last gem hurled my body off a chair and down some stairs. I may have 3 broken vertebra and be paralyzed from the neck down, but my mouth still works so you’re golden Pony Boy. KUDOS!

6. LMAOROFL (Laughing my ass off rolling on the floor laughing) Holy shit, because you are the Mother-fucking Teresa of funny I need to include two “L’s” in my written laugh! Every time you leave one of your hysterical comments a starving kid in Ethiopia inherits his own Boston Market. Then when he’s nice and fat, Sally Struthers comes along and eats every last morsel of that over nourished Ethiopian boy (Someone has to keep the population down). Without you, none of this would be possible. Thank you, the one who saves through laughter!

7. BAWHWAHHAWHAWH (Not an acronym but used often) OH MY FUCKING GOD! If Eddie Murphy’s “Raw” and Dane Cook’s “Vicious Circle” were Siamese twins, sharing the same butthole, “they” could hike up to the peak of Mt. Everest, take a shit, and that frozen dookie still wouldn’t equal your level of funny.

*More than one “HA” (HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA) has the same effect as “BAWHAHAWHAWHA”, your funny bone is now your cock, making you a cocksmith of funny.

Things I occasionally think when replying with the written laugh.

1. HA –  If Corky from “Life Goes On” and Steve-O had a kid this motherfucker would be ten times dumber. I am sending this “ha” because I feel nothing but regret and pity for exchanging numbers.

2. LOL –  I have to respond with something after that sorry attempt at a joke. Hopefully “LOL” will end this stupid thread so I can get back to work.

3. BWL – When receiving that last comment I threw up in my mouth a little and squidged in my pants at the same time. Why is this idiot talking to me?

4. LMAO – I must exaggerate my true feelings of his last comment in hopes he becomes compelled to stop typing thinking he can’t outdo himself.

5. ROFL – That last comment has me seriously contemplating marching myself five stories and throwing myself out of a window. When the concrete breaks my fall I will roll into traffic and have a moving vehicle finish the job. This sounds like more fun then all of our previous correspondence.

6. LMAOROFL – I have never felt the need to use such a ridiculous acronym. Is there something so funny that the previous five examples are not sufficient?

7. BAWHWAHHAWHAWH – see #6 then swim with sharks. 

Rule of thumb for “lol” presentation:

Acronyms in all caps are greater than lowercase. Ex. LOL is much more endearing than lol. Who wants a piddly ”lol” when you can have a mighty one?!

In conclusion, just so everybody knows I’m joking LOL!!!!!!!!!! Or am I…

With all my friends getting married and having babies it has increased the amount of baby traffic on my Facebook updates x10. Every hour someone is uploading a picture of his or her newborn crying, laughing or shitting with the same caption, “Oh how cute!” Now I know people adore their children and want the world to see how beautiful they are but c’mon man. Between the direct mail baby postcards, the picture texts I get sent to my cell phone and the Facebook updates I’m going into baby fucking overload. My phone, mailbox and computer have all turned into “that guy” that carries baby pictures in his wallet so he can show them off at an annoying pace. Wallet-Picture-Guy always busts into any kid conversation and says, “Hey, I have two kids too, Timmy and Tara. Timmy is 3 and Tara is 11 months. Who wants to see them? I have them right here in my”…NO FAG! Blow your babies out your asshole.

I don’t want to sound insensitive but I’m the type of guy that just held a baby for the first time at age 32. I almost had a panic attack during the hold.  Okay here we go, all eyes on me. I’m glad this isn’t awkward at all. Am I doing this right? Man this thing is so top-heavy. It’s only a matter of time before this dormant volcano blows up all over me. Whats that smell!?

Babies can’t even hold their freaking head up, it’s like a holding a sac of potatoes with so many hypersensitive moving parts. How the hell can you keep everything in order when all you’re worried about is the projectile vomiting? Babies can’t stop regurgitating food like a momma bird trying to feed her young. Not to mention the smell, babies can go from baby powder scent to pure unadulterated shit flavor in under 2 seconds flat. And the SOFT SPOT! WTF is that all about?! Its on top of their head right? What happens if I touch it? Can’t we just fashion them with little army helmets? I’m sure you can guess the only soft spot I want to get familiar with.

Another reason for my 32-year delay in baby making/participation is because of my terrible fear of dropping one (Maybe that’s what happened to me?). What do you say in that situation? It’s not like dropping somebody’s phone. WOW, I am soooooooooooo embarrassed. That thing slipped right through my doggone fingers! If it’s broken I will totally buy you a new one. Sorry dude!

It just seems weird to comment on the attractiveness of babies when I’m not ready to join the baby revolution yet (I know I’m weird). With that said, one day last week I got the urge to do just that. I have no idea why. Did I have an out-of-body experience? Was it opposite day? Maybe, subconsciously, I felt guilty for not meeting all of my friends babies, which would be impossible since everyone’s shitting out babies at the same time! Whatever the reason I left a comment, something like “Oh man she is so CUTE!” (She was! Who am I?) Very original I know. What happened next was more surprising than if a leprechaun gang-bang party were being held in my brothers asshole.

 

Let me preface the next paragraph by saying since the world has become obsessed with Facebook I too have added text updates to my phone. I refuse to miss anymore gym updates from my friends.

Now within five minutes of my O-so-original comment I got an update sent to my phone. Hmmmmmm, who’s this?

Facebook Update: From, Cindy Candy Cooter “She is just precious!!” Okay nothing out of the ordinary, back to work. Tra-la-la. *Working, Working.* Buzz buzz.
Facebook Update: From, Susie Sugar Tits “Just as cute as a button!!” Okay we get the point. Where was I? Oh yes, typing that email. *Typing* buzz buzz.
Facebook Update: From, Loosey Goosey Lisa “I just want to eat her up!!!!” Okay, back away from the baby Hannibal Lector. This is getting quite distracting. *Refocusing and typing.* BUZZ BUZZ!
Facebook Update: From, Back Door Briana  “OMG she is just as cute as they cum, let me know if you ever need a baby sitter!!!!!!” Yeah right hooker, they might leave their baby with you and the herp. WTF is going on!?

For the reminder of the day my phone blew up like the atomic bombing of Hiroshima. We are talking mushroom clouds people! What had I done? How many fucking ways can people say the same thing a different way? APPARENTLY A LOT!

Here are specific examples of what my day consisted of after I opened Pandora’s hotbox:

She is so adorable!!!

She is so cute!!!

Awe so cute!!!!

OMG beautiful!!!

She’s beautiful!!!!

She’s cute!!!

Why do people always use exclamation points when talking about babies? Maybe exclamation points are the way of determining if your baby is ACTUALLY cute.

Ruling:

No Exclamation points =People say cute but mean ugly.
Exclamation points!!! =So cute.
EXCLAMATION POINTS + ALL CAPS!!! =Don’t leave this person alone with your baby because they want to steal it.

What a beautiful baby!!!

How beautiful!

OMG so adorable!!!

Congrats!!!!

She is beautiful…< (No exclamation points, HATER!)

She is precious!!!

OMG she looks like a little you!!!

Then the look-alike comments start flowing like the salmon of Capistrano.

Shes like you but smaller!!!!!

OMG she is breathtaking!!!!

She looks just like daddy!!!!

She has her mommy’s eyes!!

So adorable!!

I see both mommy and daddy!!

I kid you not, I was getting text updates a week after I commented on that beautiful baby’s picture! It was like a bad horror movie “The thread that wouldn’t die.” I was certain this was going to continue for the rest of my life and considered running with a pair of scissors (Thank god I didn’t).

Finally, I pictured myself as an old-timer in a rocking chair, on my porch just enjoying life. *Birds chirping, light breeze blowing against my wrinkled brow* Just as I’m about to take a sip of some refreshing, home-made iced tea… BUZZ BUZZ! Facebook Update: From, Handicapped Hanna Montana “OMG LOOK HOW CUTE SHE WAS!!!!!!”

Why won’t you die evil thread?

A hooker I met in Vegas gave me inspiration for this post. Thanks Shannon!

CALLING ALL WOMEN!

If you answer yes to any of the following questions this post is for you.

1. Do you lose sleep over Facebook?
2. Do you spend more time on Facebook than you intend?
3. Do you get in ridiculous fights with your boyfriend over Facebook?
4. Do you ignore work in favor of Facebook?
5. Does the thought of logging off Facebook leave you in a cold sweat?

Every girl has said, “I can’t get off Facebook” at least once. I knew a girl named Sophia who had tons of promise and potential (just like you) but unfortunately threw it all away by becoming a Facebook addict. This will inevitably happen, on some level, to all of you. You must stop immediately. YES I’M TALKING TOO YOU! It happens faster than a crackhead can pawn yo shit, but does not come without warning. I’ve documented the transition from promising young woman to full-blown Facebook crackhead in five specific stages. My intention for this guide is to educate, thus preventing more tragedies such as Sophia’s.

Here is my digital intervention…

Level 1-Newbie

Lets start by saying; EVERYONE is on Facebook. The newbie has waged an internal battle because they think Facebook invades their privacy. “I’m not making my life public for the world to see.” This doesn’t last long and when they hear Grandma say, “I’ll hit you up on Facebook” they realize it’s time to leap into the 21st century.

Apprehensively, they join and start adding close friends and family. If the newbie doesn’t recognize your friend request they will not add you. Who’s this stalker? Yeah, I might add this toolbox. Of course, the first idiot that discovers this empty wall will write, “I popped your Facebook cherry, LOL!!!!!!” I wish writing that magically transformed them into a hippopotamus hymen right before it gets stabbed with hippo cock. (Poetic Justice).

The benefits are immediately clear as they start reconnecting with people they haven’t talked to in years. “This Facebook thing is great! I reconnected with Terry from college, the first girl I experimented with sexually, YEAH!” It’s basically used as a glorified email and checked rarely. Leaving updates still seems a bit childish and weird so the most they’ve done is “poke” their BFF. Their profile picture is just any random thing to represent their lack of interest altogether.

This stage is like two teddy bears on a picnic, staring at a butterfly.

Level 2-Casual Friday

Eventually their Facebooking becomes more frequent and is used, on average, once a week. Like Ponce de Leon searching for the Fountain of youth they start exploring the Facebook landscape. Farmville? That’s some fucked-up shit! Who wastes their time playing pig farmer?! They start experimenting with short vague updates about the weather (“Its so beautiful out”) or describe their day (“Off to the mall with my girls”). The first responses they receive are some gayed-up things like, “You go girl!” or “LOL!”

With that, the obsession seed is planted. You see, responses make a girl feel special. It also gives them what they yearn for most in this world, ATTENTION (actually attention and money). This word alone is the driving force behind why girls can go off the deep end (Guys are immune to this because all we want is privacy, sports and the occasional BJ).

Another reason Facebook plays into a woman’s psyche is their competitive nature. Female competition becomes cutthroat when it involves other women. Sooooo, Pandora’s box opens the first time they get tagged in a photo. For example, lets say a girl is out partying and takes a random group photo with a pack of girls (wolves). If the Casual Friday is not the prettiest girl in the picture it causes a knee-jerk reaction to click-through the prettier girl’s entire photo gallery. Who’s this bitch think she is? Oh no she di’ant! The constant competition between women creates an easily accessible, photographic jealousy journey into someone else’s life.

During this stage of Facebook the profile picture gets replaced with some carry-over from MySpace (the social media platform that is now compared to golf ball sized hemorrhoids). You know, the mirror shot showing off the hot body and the ludicrous tan.

Level 3-Daily Doucher

The Daily Doucher adds the Facebook application to their iPhone or Blackberry (bobo iPhone) because they want to update their status anytime/anywhere. Their updates become more personal giving clues about their love life (“Smitten”) or  locations where they hang out (“Going to Michelle’s to get drunk, BLAAAAAH”).

They start taking quizzes and answering random questions about friends:

Q: “If you could be any celebrities cellulite who’s would it be?”
A: “Me and Pam Anderson have like the same energy, so I would have to say her.

Q: “What kind of loose meat sandwich are you?
A: “I would be a hot roast beef with horseradish because my beef curtains emit a pungent oder.”

Q: “If Jeff were an STD which one would he be?”
A: “Jeff would defiantly be herpes because he pops up once a year and when he does its usually painful!”

They become more experimental with their profile picture. It’s now a childhood photo, or a photo of their kids. Both are annoying and do not mask the fact they have not aged gracefully. I assume this isn’t weird if you have kids?

Level 4-Facebook Crackhead

Their phone is now equipped to get push notifications (Facebook text messages) so they can respond immediately. Updates are now used as bait to get guys to meet them out (“Going to Club X, for a crazy night!” Hopefully my tits don’t fall out again. LOL”) Relationship status is of the utmost importance. Twenty four hours after becoming exclusive with a girl your status must change. If you are dating a Facebook Crackhead and your status doesn’t change in the allotted time, expect some repercussions.

They’ve added applications like “Daily Horoscope” so they have an excuse to talk to other people with the same astrological sign. (“OMG, I am going to meet my prince charming in September!!!!!”) Like we really give a shit what Dionne Warwick says about your fucking day. Here’s tomorrow’s horoscope-YOU ARE A RETARD!

These crackerjacks will follow people around Facebook stalking their every move. If they met you at a party five years ago they will friend you and act like you’ve been friends for years (“Hey what’s good this weekend?”) or (“Hit me up”).

At level four you may want to start thinking about a sponsor. You’re not worst-case scenario but your walking a tight rope without a safety net.

Level 5-Facebook Virtual Reality

Since level 5 offenders now mentally live inside Facebook they have lost all concept of reality. They start adding people just to increase friend counts, but will defriend you if you disagree that Heidi Montag looked better after her 35 surgeries. Updates have no filter (“I just got my period while taking a shit, LOLROLFL!”). These women are so consumed by Facebook that every update is over analyzed or taken out of context; sometimes this can lead to digital cat-fights. YEAH!

Of course, the climax of the cat-fight is when the weaker individual spews the word “CUNT”.

Two hours later, the same girl who said CUNT.

CRAZY BITCHES!!!!

Ridiculous fights get started over Facebook:

Girl: I was on your Facebook today and saw you joking with a girl.
Guy: That’s my friend Kelly she lives in Ohio.
Girl: Did you sleep with her?
Guy: What? NO.
Girl: Well this is getting a little out of control, don’t you think?
Guy: She responded to my update twice.
Girl: Whatever! I know how you guys troll for girls on here.

Level five Relationship status’ must be changed from “in a relationship” to “in relationship with me”.

Girl: I want to update our relationship status so I requested you again.
Guy: Honestly, who cares?
Girl: I CARE MOTHER FUCKER! My friends go on my page. What will they think?

They have become hard-core Facebook gamers and now own all the high scores in “Mafia Wars.” (“I’m at level 45 and just became Sheriff of Nottingham. My next job is to whack Prickly Pete with a crowbar. I got a big shipment of cocaine scheduled for delivery and I need your help!”)

This stage is straight-up like mutant zombie butterflies biting the heads off teddy bears….

While some of these characteristics apply to men we just don’t take Facebook to the same ludicrous levels as woman.

If this helps to prevent just one woman from traveling down this dark road it makes my life worth living…

Got any horror stories? Please share.