With all my friends getting married and having babies it has increased the amount of baby traffic on my Facebook updates x10. Every hour someone is uploading a picture of his or her newborn crying, laughing or shitting with the same caption, “Oh how cute!” Now I know people adore their children and want the world to see how beautiful they are but c’mon man. Between the direct mail baby postcards, the picture texts I get sent to my cell phone and the Facebook updates I’m going into baby fucking overload. My phone, mailbox and computer have all turned into “that guy” that carries baby pictures in his wallet so he can show them off at an annoying pace. Wallet-Picture-Guy always busts into any kid conversation and says, “Hey, I have two kids too, Timmy and Tara. Timmy is 3 and Tara is 11 months. Who wants to see them? I have them right here in my”…NO FAG! Blow your babies out your asshole.

I don’t want to sound insensitive but I’m the type of guy that just held a baby for the first time at age 32. I almost had a panic attack during the hold.  Okay here we go, all eyes on me. I’m glad this isn’t awkward at all. Am I doing this right? Man this thing is so top-heavy. It’s only a matter of time before this dormant volcano blows up all over me. Whats that smell!?

Babies can’t even hold their freaking head up, it’s like a holding a sac of potatoes with so many hypersensitive moving parts. How the hell can you keep everything in order when all you’re worried about is the projectile vomiting? Babies can’t stop regurgitating food like a momma bird trying to feed her young. Not to mention the smell, babies can go from baby powder scent to pure unadulterated shit flavor in under 2 seconds flat. And the SOFT SPOT! WTF is that all about?! Its on top of their head right? What happens if I touch it? Can’t we just fashion them with little army helmets? I’m sure you can guess the only soft spot I want to get familiar with.

Another reason for my 32-year delay in baby making/participation is because of my terrible fear of dropping one (Maybe that’s what happened to me?). What do you say in that situation? It’s not like dropping somebody’s phone. WOW, I am soooooooooooo embarrassed. That thing slipped right through my doggone fingers! If it’s broken I will totally buy you a new one. Sorry dude!

It just seems weird to comment on the attractiveness of babies when I’m not ready to join the baby revolution yet (I know I’m weird). With that said, one day last week I got the urge to do just that. I have no idea why. Did I have an out-of-body experience? Was it opposite day? Maybe, subconsciously, I felt guilty for not meeting all of my friends babies, which would be impossible since everyone’s shitting out babies at the same time! Whatever the reason I left a comment, something like “Oh man she is so CUTE!” (She was! Who am I?) Very original I know. What happened next was more surprising than if a leprechaun gang-bang party were being held in my brothers asshole.

 

Let me preface the next paragraph by saying since the world has become obsessed with Facebook I too have added text updates to my phone. I refuse to miss anymore gym updates from my friends.

Now within five minutes of my O-so-original comment I got an update sent to my phone. Hmmmmmm, who’s this?

Facebook Update: From, Cindy Candy Cooter “She is just precious!!”
Okay nothing out of the ordinary, back to work. Tra-la-la. *Working, Working.* Buzz buzz.
Facebook Update: From, Susie Sugar Tits “Just as cute as a button!!”
Okay we get the point. Where was I? Oh yes, typing that email. *Typing* buzz buzz.
Facebook Update: From, Loosey Goosey Lisa “I just want to eat her up!!!!”
Okay, back away from the baby Hannibal Lector. This is getting quite distracting. *Refocusing and typing.* BUZZ BUZZ!
Facebook Update: From, Back Door Briana  “OMG she is just as cute as they cum, let me know if you ever need a baby sitter!!!!!!” Yeah right hooker, they might leave their baby with you and the herp. WTF is going on!?

For the reminder of the day my phone blew up like the atomic bombing of Hiroshima. We are talking mushroom clouds people! What had I done? How many fucking ways can people say the same thing a different way? APPARENTLY A LOT!

Here are specific examples of what my day consisted of after I opened Pandora’s hotbox:

She is so adorable!!!

She is so cute!!!

Awe so cute!!!!

OMG beautiful!!!

She’s beautiful!!!!

She’s cute!!!

Why do people always use exclamation points when talking about babies? Maybe exclamation points are the way of determining if your baby is ACTUALLY cute.

Ruling:

No Exclamation points =People say cute but mean ugly.
Exclamation points!!! =So cute.
EXCLAMATION POINTS + ALL CAPS!!! =Don’t leave this person alone with your baby because they want to steal it.

What a beautiful baby!!!

How beautiful!

OMG so adorable!!!

Congrats!!!!

She is beautiful…< (No exclamation points, HATER!)

She is precious!!!

OMG she looks like a little you!!!

Then the look-alike comments start flowing like the salmon of Capistrano.

Shes like you but smaller!!!!!

OMG she is breathtaking!!!!

She looks just like daddy!!!!

She has her mommy’s eyes!!

So adorable!!

I see both mommy and daddy!!

I kid you not, I was getting text updates a week after I commented on that beautiful baby’s picture! It was like a bad horror movie “The thread that wouldn’t die.” I was certain this was going to continue for the rest of my life and considered running with a pair of scissors (Thank god I didn’t).

Finally, I pictured myself as an old-timer in a rocking chair, on my porch just enjoying life. *Birds chirping, light breeze blowing against my wrinkled brow* Just as I’m about to take a sip of some refreshing, home-made iced tea… BUZZ BUZZ! Facebook Update: From, Handicapped Hanna Montana “OMG LOOK HOW CUTE SHE WAS!!!!!!”

Why won’t you die evil thread?

A hooker I met in Vegas gave me inspiration for this post. Thanks Shannon!