How many times a day do you send or receive an LOL? Once, twice, maybe three hundred? Whatever your number, this little acronym has become a vital tool in all forms of digital communication. Without it, we would be lost. How else would we decipher the difference between a serious statement or a witty one-liner (excluding those smily faces, shat directly from Ursula the Sea Bitch’s bunghole ;) )? Everyone and their grandmother uses this little device when Facebooking, emailing or texting. This and cotton are now the fucking fabric of our lives. From the over LOL’er who uses it after every freaking sentence to the hesitant user like myself, who delays a text while debating if an LOL is necessary.

Rule of thumb for LOL usage:

1. If you’re talking with a girl and question an LOL, use it. Believe me, its WAY better to play it safe then having to explain your jokes.
2. If your taking with a guy, who gives a flying fuck.

Who the hell was the first person to use an LOL? Hmmmmmm I wonder. My guess is some scrunchied up teenybopper somewhere was watching an episode of 90210, discussing Brenda Walsh’s virginity with her friend in the next town via text. She probably wrote something like “OMG If I was dating Dylan McKay I would drop my panties faster than his movie “8 Seconds” was in the movie theatre” (appropriately named). Her friend who was undoubtedly “laughing out loud” and painting her nails some fluorescent pink color while thumbing through a seventeen magazine quickly responded with “LOL”. With that, a monster was born. I’d be willing to bet my ridiculous government salary that “LOL” was the evil spawn of “OMG.” Imagine if “OMG” had an evil kid, and that kid, took over the world by raping, burning and pillaging every word in its destructive path. That would be “LOL”. Thank you teenybopper, for single handily annihilating all intelligent conversation throughout the entire world.

Should she get residuals or something? She would be richer than Oprah in a matter of days.

As most of you already know “LOL” is not the only acronym in play. Now when your message gets received with a written laugh it implies that you just sent something funny, the degree of *how* funny is now measured by the following acronyms you receive back.

I give you, laugh acronym levels with my perception of the sender’s intent…

1. HA* Gosh, that was a funny comment you just made.

2. LOL (Laughing out Loud) I am laughing loudly at work and drawing unwanted attention to myself. Time really flies when you’re sending me messages, jokester!

3. BWL (Busting with laughter) I have a pain in my side from laughing so hard. You should honestly reconsider a career choice and maybe become a stand-up comedian. Tosh.O has nothing on you!

4. LMAO (Laughing my ass off) Your jokes are so contagiously entertaining I can’t stop laughing. If laugher is the best medicine, you just cured cancer amigo. If my ass could laugh, you can bet your sweet tits he would partake in this great fun!

5. ROFL (Rolling on the floor laughing) Is it possible to hurl someone through mid-air by overwhelming laughs caused by another? The answer is YES my friend! That last gem hurled my body off a chair and down some stairs. I may have 3 broken vertebra and be paralyzed from the neck down, but my mouth still works so you’re golden Pony Boy. KUDOS!

6. LMAOROFL (Laughing my ass off rolling on the floor laughing) Holy shit, because you are the Mother-fucking Teresa of funny I need to include two “L’s” in my written laugh! Every time you leave one of your hysterical comments a starving kid in Ethiopia inherits his own Boston Market. Then when he’s nice and fat, Sally Struthers comes along and eats every last morsel of that over nourished Ethiopian boy (Someone has to keep the population down). Without you, none of this would be possible. Thank you, the one who saves through laughter!

7. BAWHWAHHAWHAWH (Not an acronym but used often) OH MY FUCKING GOD! If Eddie Murphy’s “Raw” and Dane Cook’s “Vicious Circle” were Siamese twins, sharing the same butthole, “they” could hike up to the peak of Mt. Everest, take a shit, and that frozen dookie still wouldn’t equal your level of funny.

My hired hit-men Cumulus and Cirrus. DEATH FROM ABOVE!!

*More than one “HA” (HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA) has the same effect as “BAWHAHAWHAWHA”, your funny bone is now your cock, making you a cocksmith of funny.

Things I occasionally think when replying with the written laugh.

1. HA –  If Corky from “Life Goes On” and Steve-O had a kid this motherfucker would be ten times dumber. I am sending this “ha” because I feel nothing but regret and pity for exchanging numbers.

2. LOL –  I have to respond with something after that sorry attempt at a joke. Hopefully “LOL” will end this stupid thread so I can get back to work.

3. BWL – When receiving that last comment I threw up in my mouth a little and squidged in my pants at the same time. Why is this idiot talking to me?

4. LMAO – I must exaggerate my true feelings of his last comment in hopes he becomes compelled to stop typing thinking he can’t outdo himself.

5. ROFL – That last comment has me seriously contemplating marching myself five stories and throwing myself out of a window. When the concrete breaks my fall I will roll into traffic and have a moving vehicle finish the job. This sounds like more fun then all of our previous correspondence.

6. LMAOROFL – I have never felt the need to use such a ridiculous acronym. Is there something so funny that the previous five examples are not sufficient?

7. BAWHWAHHAWHAWH – see #6 then swim with sharks. 

Rule of thumb for “lol” presentation:

Acronyms in all caps are greater than lowercase. Ex. LOL is much more endearing than lol. Who wants a piddly ”lol” when you can have a mighty one?!

In conclusion, just so everybody knows I’m joking LOL!!!!!!!!!! Or am I…