Fear comes in many forms. As a kid most fears manifest from scary images we see on-screen. I remember the movie Gremlins made me shit kittens before I saw Gizmo man-up, and fuck-shit-up Rambo style (Billy was such a pussy). That’s a bad example since I was only scared for about and hour. Most horror movies didn’t hang out in my cerebellum for longer than a couple days.

With that said, every kid has that one childhood fear that resonates for years, something so terrifying it makes you run top-speed from a dark basement after you’ve dropped off some cloths. One character reaches you on a personal level becoming the recurring theme for your night terrors. A fear that roots like a weed in your brain making you shit every time you hear the floor creek in the middle of the night. For my siblings and I it was the Icky Icky Poo.

My parents were not that vigilant in guarding us from horror movies. In fact, I’ve seen most of them. Here is a brief list of characters I’ve seen decapitate, maim or eat someone.

My list of horror characters in ascending order

14. Predator- Way too cool to be scary; would like one as a pet
13. Bram Stokers Dracula- Gay Vampires not scary; Topless female Vampires are awesome!
12. Chucky- A kid kicked Chucky’s ass; not scary
11. Hannibal Lector- The ball-tucking guy very scary (I’d fuck me); Hannibal not so much
10. Jason Voorhees- Scary until he removes mask then looks like Sloth from “The Goonies”
9. Michael Myers- Same character as Jason; his mask makes him slightly scarier
8. Freddy Krueger- Not being able to sleep ever is moderately scary
7. Silver Bullet Werewolf- Badass motherfucker with a grudge against Lucas is pretty scary
6. Alien- Two mouths, acid for blood and a really bad attitude; scary
5. Hellraiser- Pins, black leather and blades ripping people to shreds is scary
4. Texas Chainsaw Massacre- Using chainsaws to amputate limbs is scary
3. Poltergeist- The bathroom scene when he rips his own face off is fucking scary
2. The Thing- A kid should never watch this movie EVER!
1. Icky Icky Poo- Worst fucking thing imaginable!

Am I forgetting anyone?

Every one of these characters has participated in some form of on-screen mutilation. Most of these movies scared the piss out of me but it wasn’t until the “Trilogy of Terror” that horror took a dump in my memory banks.

Every other Friday my mom would rent movies for movie night. It was rare she picked a winner and we usually made fun of her after we watched the latest train wreck. One Friday she said, “I got a real scary one for you guys!” Muuuuuuu Haaaa Haaa Haaaaaaaaa *Sinister laugh*

Whatever mom, you thought “Killer Clowns from Outer Space” was scary.

The trilogy began and the first two stories were suspenseful at best. The last story “Amelia” (creative title) starred Karen Black. It starts with Amelia returning home holding a wooden box that resembles a tiny coffin. She sits down on the couch, opens the box and pulls out an antique doll called a Zuñi Hunter (Icky Icky Poo). It comes with a scroll that reads “He who kills.” Foreshadowing just punched you in the face bitch! The Poo was terrifying. It had razor-sharp teeth and beady black eyes. As soon as I laid eyes on this fucking thing I felt my stomach drop.

I’m not sure what made the Icky Icky Poo so terrifying. Maybe his size was a factor? Perhaps my logic was if Michael Myers showed up while I was banging a girl, I could fend him off with boobs and outrun the retard (Because I was totally getting mad bitches at age 9).  This little dickhead could sneak up on me like a cat, and fuck my shit up. Whatever the reasons, this small asshole embedded himself in my head like a tick.

All I could think when I saw this bastard was,this third and final story is not going to end well.

Amelia makes a phone call to her mother and starts to describe the doll:

“Hey mom you should see what I got Arthur for his birthday, a Zuñi fetish doll (Fetish dolls look different in my head). There’s supposed to be some Zuñi hunter spirit inside and the chain wrapped around its waist is to prevent it from coming alive.”

With that statement, her mother hangs up the phone. Smart woman. After hearing this madness the bitch in the next town gets off the phone but the idiot girl who purchased the death-dealing fetish doll pinches its cheeks and gives it a hug. Confused by her mother’s reaction Amelia sets the doll down and heads for the bathroom to draw a bath.

I’ll give you three guesses what happens next, and the last two don’t count.

Duh. The chain falls off.

As she makes her way around the apartment she eventually notices the doll has gone missing. “Where did you go,” she asks. She looks under the table and feels under the couch. Behind her, the pitter-patter of little feet go running across the floor. Startled, but still in denial, she asks in a cute voice, “Is that you Zuñi doll?” Fuck that shit! I hear pitter-patter in my empty house and my ass is out the dowe! She hears a noise from the kitchen and decides to investigate. Shocker, her carving knife has disappeared. As she turns around to go back into the living room she sees a shadow move across the floor.

Hmmmmmmmmmmmm

Me: I purchased a hunter doll that has a spirit inside + I’m pretty sure I don’t have a cat and if I did he doesn’t have thumbs + my knife is missing = running from the apartment screaming like an 8-year-old girl.

Her: That’s odd. I know I put this knife right here on the counter top. It must have fallen off the counter, bounced on the floor, landed on my shag carpet and slid 10-feet under the couch.

Amelia starts talking to herself as she makes her way back into the living room. “It’s just a wooden doll.” Pinocchio was a wooden doll but that didn’t stop him bitch. Then without warning, she lets out a painful scream as the camera pans down to Amelia’s feet. HOLY SHIT! The doll is alive and it’s violently molesting her feet (Zuñi foot fetish doll?) This thing is as fast as a cheetah and as mean as a menopausal woman on her last period. This beanie baby on crack is screaming in tongues as it rapes her ankles and toes with the missing knife. The doll sounds Asian to me, like Mr. Miyagi on 2 redbulls and a 5-hour energy shot. No?

This thing chases her around the apartment like a rabid dog. In the bathroom Amelia traps the doll in a towel and tries to drown it in the tub. Apparently its an amphibian fetish doll because that just pisses it off more and the battle pursues. After many vicious attacks she eventually traps this piece of crap in the oven. The Zuñi screams in anger as it’s slowly burnt to a crisp. Instead of immediately putting the apartment up for rent she decides to see if the doll is truly dead. Amelia opens the oven and gets clobbered.

The story ends with Amelia on the phone with her mother, crouched down like she’s hovering over a fresh kill, carving the floor with a butcher knife. She slowly smiles to reveal the same teeth as the Zuñi doll.

*Flipping on the light* My mom says, “Okay, time for bed.”

WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED?! I just got blindsided by a bloodthirsty Buzz Lightyear.

You expect me to SLEEP after watching a glorified toy come to life and go on a homicidal rage fueled by an ancient asshole ghost?

I lay there that night with the covers up to my eyeballs, shaking like a leaf. It wasn’t just that night either, this little piece of shit terrorized my thoughts and dreams causing me many a sleepless night. In my head, this thing was real and waiting for just the right moment to strike. If the floor creaked, it was the Poo. If the cat moved, it was the Poo. Everywhere POO! I would Icky Icky Poo proof my bed by surrounding my self with pillows to prevent any parts of my body from hanging off the bed. If my foot hung off, the Poo would surely maul it.

There were a couple of occasions that thoughts of this bastard got the better of me.

  1. My stepbrother just moved into a big house in West Chester and the first time I visited he showed me to the guest room. I walked in and immediately froze. Thirty pairs of cold dead eyes stared at me intently. There was a dresser, two night stands and a bed that was completely covered with porcelain dolls. Everywhere I moved the eyes followed. I was in there for about two minutes before I ran out to find my brother. “I’ll sleep on the floor with the dog before I sleep in there, thanks.”

    Could you sleep in a room with these assholes?

  2. Another time my two brothers and I thought it would be a good idea to hide under the bed to scare my mom. We turned the light off, crawled under the bed and lay there quietly. We didn’t anticipate being under the bed long since we heard her moving around downstairs. Seconds later something jumped on the bed. WHAT WAS THAT!? Frozen with fear the three of us lay there like dead bodies afraid to speak. Five minutes passed and we whispered to my one brother to turn the light on. He declined. Ten minutes pass and I got asked to do the same. “No way Jose.” It was a hot summer night and we started sweating like three stuffed pigs. Terrified, we all thought the same thing without saying a word. It was probably the cat but who could be sure. “Yo bro stop being a pussy, get out and turn the light on.” “Fuck you asshole as soon as my head is exposed the Poo’s going to lop it off like a guillotine.” We were under the bed for an hour before my mom came up and turned the light on. “What are you guys doing under there?” “Looking for my Garbage Pal Kids.” We might still be under that bed if my mom didn’t come up and safe us.

Like anything else the fear eventually faded with time. Either that or I mentally blocked him from my memory. I was getting good sleep again and the cats were just cats. I had just about rid my mind forever from this two-foot demon.

Years of movie nights came and went without incident until my mom came home with the “Cats Eye.” That doesn’t sound scary. As comparisons between these two movies slowly unfolded I became more and more uneasy. The “Cats Eye” ended up being a trilogy as well. After the first story I thought, I didn’t see this coming. That’s weird. After the second story, okay three stories and the first two were lame. I lifted my feet off the floor and nervously rocked back and forth in my chair. I’m sure the third is just as lame! It started harmless enough, with our main character (the cat) getting adopted in by a nice family. The daughter, played by Drew Barrymore, quickly become attached to her new pet. Then night fell. After Drew was in a deep sleep a small hole in the wall next to her bed opened. Ohhhh, whats this? A mouse for the cat to play with?

HOLY SHIT!!!!!! OMFG!!!!!!! THE ICKY ICKY POO 2!!!!!!!! A FUCKING REBOOT!

This motherfucker was 10 times more frightening, with more teeth and bells. Fuck bells.

And the cycle begins again…

P.S. I can’t remember why we gave the Zuñi the nickname Icky Icky Poo but it stuck with us for life.  Maybe because the doll was as dark as a piece of poo and this thing was so icky you had to say it twice. That works.