The Bumper Car Conundrum on Girard
So this fucking story had to sit with me for a while before I could even attempt to help you relive it appropriately…
I was driving down Girard Avenue approximately 7:45 PM last Thursday night and approached a person standing in the middle of the street. As anyone from Philly can tell you this is nothing unusual. You see, people who wait for the bus like to stand in the middle of the street waiting and watching, thinking it will arrive faster. Now, this bus riding little asshole will not move for random gun fire let alone your passing car. You have to practically mow them down if you’re making a turn at their pick-up corner. Right before you’re about to score 10 points they shimmy to the side and give you a dirty ass look like, “what da hell mang!” Pretty standard stuff really.
Having said that, last Thursday was different. As I approached our individual (lets call him “Ping” to authenticate my story) he walked further into my lane, essentially blocking me from crossing the intersection. Normally I would go around, but to my left was a median with a 3-foot guard rail and car to my right. I pulled within 20 feet of Ping and honked my horn. This normally does the trick. After “hearing” my gentle honk Ping slowly stumbled closer to my car. Well this is defiantly unorthodox, what do I do now? I proceeded to move in for a closer look. I super-slowly took my foot of the brake and glided towards Ping. As he stood five feet from my bumper I noticed he was holding a beer can and his eyes were practically sealed shut (more than usual). Okay, so we have a drunk guy here, no problem. He must need some longer horn action. This time I give him a slow and steady master horn press. Like a good South Philly HHHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNNKKKKKKKKKKKK!
To my chagrin, Ping didn’t even fucking flinch! I mean he didn’t even look in my direction. I swear he might as well have been a zombie. He was totally unresponsive to all my vehicular sound assaults. So I did what most road rage fueled Americans would do-I depressed my brakes and slowly started to approach our walking coma. I mean if he doesn’t hear my horn he HAS to see an SUV attempting to squash him like a bug.
As I gently rolled my 3 ton automobile towards the 4 foot Asian man he didn’t budge…I just kept going. Yep I didn’t stop until I tapped him with my front bumper. He has to get the picture now, right! Wrong. I do believe his eyes rolled back in his head and he used my truck as a crutch as he make love to my bumper. What the fucking fuck! The only thing left to do was a combo horn and bump maneuver. I started bouncing my truck on this guy like a basketball and held my horn extra hard. Bang, bang, bang with a steady HHHOOOONNNNKKK!
Not moving I only had two options left. Hit the gas and bowl him over or gently guide him to safety. Unfortunately, I selected option two. I positioned my truck and was able to bump his ass to the corner. Then just like that, I continued to my destination. I couldn’t help but feel somewhat dirty from the situation because it left me filled with so many unanswered questions:
1. What the fuck just happened!?
2. How fucking retarded can you be to not feel an SUV trying to drive over you? (I’ll have what he’s having!)
3. Did I just commit a hit-and-run? (As I looked around to see if anyone saw me)
4. Man this status update is SO not gonna fit on Facebook…
5. Why couldn’t this↓ have been our damsel in distress? Oh, hey deaf girl begging to get bowled over by my SUV! You’re gross!
Sorry its taken so long for a post. I was on sabbatical.