CALLING ALL WOMEN!

If you answer yes to any of the following questions this post is for you.

1. Do you lose sleep over Facebook?
2. Do you spend more time on Facebook than you intend?
3. Do you get in ridiculous fights with your boyfriend over Facebook?
4. Do you ignore work in favor of Facebook?
5. Does the thought of logging off Facebook leave you in a cold sweat?

Every girl has said, “I can’t get off Facebook” at least once. I knew a girl named Sophia who had tons of promise and potential (just like you) but unfortunately threw it all away by becoming a Facebook addict. This will inevitably happen, on some level, to all of you. You must stop immediately. YES I’M TALKING TOO YOU! It happens faster than a crackhead can pawn yo shit, but does not come without warning. I’ve documented the transition from promising young woman to full-blown Facebook crackhead in five specific stages. My intention for this guide is to educate, thus preventing more tragedies such as Sophia’s.

Here is my digital intervention…

Level 1-Newbie

Lets start by saying; EVERYONE is on Facebook. The newbie has waged an internal battle because they think Facebook invades their privacy. “I’m not making my life public for the world to see.” This doesn’t last long and when they hear Grandma say, “I’ll hit you up on Facebook” they realize it’s time to leap into the 21st century.

Apprehensively, they join and start adding close friends and family. If the newbie doesn’t recognize your friend request they will not add you. Who’s this stalker? Yeah, I might add this toolbox. Of course, the first idiot that discovers this empty wall will write, “I popped your Facebook cherry, LOL!!!!!!” I wish writing that magically transformed them into a hippopotamus hymen right before it gets stabbed with hippo cock. (Poetic Justice).

The benefits are immediately clear as they start reconnecting with people they haven’t talked to in years. “This Facebook thing is great! I reconnected with Terry from college, the first girl I experimented with sexually, YEAH!” It’s basically used as a glorified email and checked rarely. Leaving updates still seems a bit childish and weird so the most they’ve done is “poke” their BFF. Their profile picture is just any random thing to represent their lack of interest altogether.

This stage is like two teddy bears on a picnic, staring at a butterfly.

I love Facebook like I love butterflies!

Level 2-Casual Friday

Eventually their Facebooking becomes more frequent and is used, on average, once a week. Like Ponce de Leon searching for the Fountain of youth they start exploring the Facebook landscape. Farmville? That’s some fucked-up shit! Who wastes their time playing pig farmer?! They start experimenting with short vague updates about the weather (“Its so beautiful out”) or describe their day (“Off to the mall with my girls”). The first responses they receive are some gayed-up things like, “You go girl!” or “LOL!”

With that, the obsession seed is planted. You see, responses make a girl feel special. It also gives them what they yearn for most in this world, ATTENTION (actually attention and money). This word alone is the driving force behind why girls can go off the deep end (Guys are immune to this because all we want is privacy, sports and the occasional BJ).

Another reason Facebook plays into a woman’s psyche is their competitive nature. Female competition becomes cutthroat when it involves other women. Sooooo, Pandora’s box opens the first time they get tagged in a photo. For example, lets say a girl is out partying and takes a random group photo with a pack of girls (wolves). If the Casual Friday is not the prettiest girl in the picture it causes a knee-jerk reaction to click-through the prettier girl’s entire photo gallery. Who’s this bitch think she is? Oh no she di’ant! The constant competition between women creates an easily accessible, photographic jealousy journey into someone else’s life.

During this stage of Facebook the profile picture gets replaced with some carry-over from MySpace (the social media platform that is now compared to golf ball sized hemorrhoids). You know, the mirror shot showing off the hot body and the ludicrous tan.

Maybe this girl should focus on the cleanliness of her room instead of her tan?

Level 3-Daily Doucher

The Daily Doucher adds the Facebook application to their iPhone or Blackberry (bobo iPhone) because they want to update their status anytime/anywhere. Their updates become more personal giving clues about their love life (“Smitten”) or  locations where they hang out (“Going to Michelle’s to get drunk, BLAAAAAH”).

They start taking quizzes and answering random questions about friends:

Q: “If you could be any celebrities cellulite who’s would it be?”
A: “Me and Pam Anderson have like the same energy, so I would have to say her.

Q: “What kind of loose meat sandwich are you?
A: “I would be a hot roast beef with horseradish because my beef curtains emit a pungent oder.”

Q: “If Jeff were an STD which one would he be?”
A: “Jeff would defiantly be herpes because he pops up once a year and when he does its usually painful!”

They become more experimental with their profile picture. It’s now a childhood photo, or a photo of their kids. Both are annoying and do not mask the fact they have not aged gracefully. I assume this isn’t weird if you have kids?

Level 4-Facebook Crackhead

Their phone is now equipped to get push notifications (Facebook text messages) so they can respond immediately. Updates are now used as bait to get guys to meet them out (“Going to Club X, for a crazy night!” Hopefully my tits don’t fall out again. LOL”) Relationship status is of the utmost importance. Twenty four hours after becoming exclusive with a girl your status must change. If you are dating a Facebook Crackhead and your status doesn’t change in the allotted time, expect some repercussions.

They’ve added applications like “Daily Horoscope” so they have an excuse to talk to other people with the same astrological sign. (“OMG, I am going to meet my prince charming in September!!!!!”) Like we really give a shit what Dionne Warwick says about your fucking day. Here’s tomorrow’s horoscope-YOU ARE A RETARD!

These crackerjacks will follow people around Facebook stalking their every move. If they met you at a party five years ago they will friend you and act like you’ve been friends for years (“Hey what’s good this weekend?”) or (“Hit me up”).

At level four you may want to start thinking about a sponsor. You’re not worst-case scenario but your walking a tight rope without a safety net.

Level 5-Facebook Virtual Reality

Since level 5 offenders now mentally live inside Facebook they have lost all concept of reality. They start adding people just to increase friend counts, but will defriend you if you disagree that Heidi Montag looked better after her 35 surgeries. Updates have no filter (“I just got my period while taking a shit, LOLROLFL!”). These women are so consumed by Facebook that every update is over analyzed or taken out of context; sometimes this can lead to digital cat-fights. YEAH!

Of course, the climax of the cat-fight is when the weaker individual spews the word “CUNT”.

Two hours later, the same girl who said CUNT.

CRAZY BITCHES!!!!

Ridiculous fights get started over Facebook:

Girl: I was on your Facebook today and saw you joking with a girl.
Guy: That’s my friend Kelly she lives in Ohio.
Girl: Did you sleep with her?
Guy: What? NO.
Girl: Well this is getting a little out of control, don’t you think?
Guy: She responded to my update twice.
Girl: Whatever! I know how you guys troll for girls on here.

Level five Relationship status’ must be changed from “in a relationship” to “in relationship with me”.

Girl: I want to update our relationship status so I requested you again.
Guy: Honestly, who cares?
Girl: I CARE MOTHER FUCKER! My friends go on my page. What will they think?

They have become hard-core Facebook gamers and now own all the high scores in “Mafia Wars.” (“I’m at level 45 and just became Sheriff of Nottingham. My next job is to whack Prickly Pete with a crowbar. I got a big shipment of cocaine scheduled for delivery and I need your help!”)

This stage is straight-up like mutant zombie butterflies biting the heads off teddy bears….

Facebook is the devil incarnate!!!!

While some of these characteristics apply to men we just don’t take Facebook to the same ludicrous levels as woman.

If this helps to prevent just one woman from traveling down this dark road it makes my life worth living…

Got any horror stories? Please share.