The other Tuesday I did a Google search for “Panda Bear” (don’t ask) and made a magical discovery. Apparently, the Giant Panda has a “distant” relative that is MORE raccoon than bear. YOU DON’T SAY!? Intrigued by my findings, I researched the shit out of this bastard. Digging just a tad further I unearthed the unthinkable…Without further ado, I give you the bad-ass honey badger’s red-headed step brother, the fucking GINGER BEAR! Thats right people; I’ve discovered the ginger of the animal kingdom…

DRRRRRRR! You crossed-eyed fuck!

Fun factoids about our genetically mutated new friend…

Dwarfed by the black-and-white giant that shares its name these red pandas a.k.a. Ginger Bears typically grow to the size of a house cat (yeah, if your cat were a ring-tailed, fork-tongued, red pandacoon born in the seventh circle of hell), though their big, bushy tails add an additional 18 inches (relax ladies).

The ginger bear shares the giant panda’s rainy, high-altitude forest habitat, but has a wider range. Red pandas live in the mountains of Nepal and northern Myanmar (Burma), as well as in central China. Thank god, if this anomaly tried cutting me off I would squash him into a gourmet pandacoon pizza with my pumas (20 years bad luck to have a ginger bear cross your path).

These animals spend most of their lives in trees and even sleep aloft. When foraging, they are most active at night as well as in the gloaming hours of dusk and dawn in hopes to avoid other woodland creatures that will ridicule them unmercifully. “Go back to the circus freak!” “Your momma is a whore!” Things of that nature are commonplace in the young ginger bear upbringing.

Hey look, is that a raccoon or a fucking ginger bear?

"SHUT THE FUCK UP!" says the ginger bear.

Red pandas have a taste for bamboo but, unlike their larger relatives, they eat many other foods as well—fruit, lions, acorns, bat guano, eggs, whale blubber, buttons, cheese doodles, gazelle testicles, roots, honey bees, unicorn horns and elephant tusks. Like giant pandas, they have an extended wrist bone that functions almost like a thumb, which aids their grip in all masturbatory purposes (Jesus knows these vermin aren’t getting any). This appendage can also extend outward for the obligatory “thumbs up” used for positive feedback or hitchhiking after a long night.

They are shy and solitary because of the years of torment suffered during childhood. Females give birth in the spring and summer (when lucky enough to get knocked-up), typically to one to four runt-rehtards that are very susceptible to sunburn (wear your sunblock!) and look like a litter of irritated buttholes. Getting knocked-up is not abnormal  since the mother’s panty dropping instincts are passed from one generation to the next. These red bear-whores will spread her paws for ANYTHING in the wilderness.

Young gingers stay in their nests for about 90 days, during which time their mother cares for them by nourishing them with her milk. Suckling mommas teet, when it’s not being occupied by other random passers-by, can sometimes cause the youngsters to stay longer then the allotted 90 days. If the cub gets hooked on mommas milk she has no choice but to close shop and gently whisk her offspring into the wild.

We have recorded footage of one of these heartwarming interventions; lets listen closely…

Momma coon: “I’m all dried up! You kids and Ray Ray the orangutan from down the way suckled all my shit dry!”
Baby bear: “But momma I’m hungry.”
Momma coon: “You think dis milk grows on tress? DO YAA?! LORD JESUS!! Don’t choo start crying you little asshole. MOMMA GONNA GIVE YOU SUMTIN TO CRY ABOUT!”
Baby bear: *sob-sob* “But momma I love you.” *sob-sob*
Momma coon: “I’ll slap da taste out chor mout! Say I won’t?! *slapping the little bear repeatedly upside the head* Your momma got babies to make. Schiiiiiit I’m done wit yo scrawny red ass.”

*Meanwhile, in the distance.*

Ray Ray: Dats right bitch! That be Ray Rays sweet nectar!

And just like that the poor little ginger gets jettisoned into the wilderness to fend for itself.  (Males take little or no interest in their offspring. True dat!)

The red panda has been classified as a relative of the giant panda, and also of the raccoon, with which it shares a ringed tail. Currently, red pandas are considered members of their own unique family—the Ginger Bear.

So in layman’s terms, once upon a time this shit happened…

And den you know dis shit happened…

Then before Ms. Coon can get to the end of her "knocked-up" story...



And now a word from our sponsors, BUZZ BEER!

P.S. No animals were harmed in the making of the post, PETA!

“Red Pandas, Red Panda Pictures, Red Panda Facts – National Geographic.” Animals, Animal Pictures, Wild Animal Facts – National Geographic. Web. 13 May 2011.